Chocolate Addiction

Emailed to my boss:

"To Whom it may concern,

Can we please cut back on the unending supply of chocolate candy found in every reception area on our work campus? These tiny morsels of deliciousness are the bane of my existence! For example: York Peppermint Patties are down-right dangerous, along with Twix, M&M’s, Dark Chocolate Milky Ways, Snickers and don’t even ask me about how many of those damn little bags of Gummi Bears I can fit into my pockets, not to mention my mouth! Know that the previous examples of delectable lovelies are listed in order of addiction, however, the most diabolical drug that is masked as candy are the chocolate covered pretzels found in the health department tucked covertly behind Gina’s computer.

I made a visit to our local drug addiction counseling center for aid with this compulsive behavior and they basically laughed in my face before suggesting Weight Watchers. As I left the building I actually heard someone sing, “If you want to get skinny, go see Jenny.” In my humiliation, I was confused, until I heard Jenny Craig’s number being shouted out as I slinked away like a guilt-ridden dog after being caught eating its own poo.

In my extreme stress, I confess, I had to eat another candy bar… okay, I ate two, but I saved the third until I arrived home. My point is… this is a cry for help! Please, if you value my physical and emotional well-being, you will fill the candy dishes with vitamins and perhaps, carrots. The skinny person hiding behind my cellulite is begging you… just as Princess Leia beseeched after exhausting all her other options, “Obi Wan Kenobi, you’re my only hope.”

For the love of God and all that is holy, please hear my plea and deliver me from this torturous cycle of despair and blubber. Be my Obi Wan!

Thank you for considering my request.

Sincerely,

Donna

P.S. This was written during my lunch/snack break, but do not fear, in my desire to communicate with you, I did not neglect to intake every tantalizing tidbit of tastiness the candy bowl had to offer."