I began my journey of religious deconstruction thinking I understood where I was going, how I would get there, and what it and I would look like when I arrived.
I'm still on my journey. I've not arrived.
At times I feel like I look worse now than when I began. It's taken time to realize the deconstruction is just as much within me, as it is in the dismantling of the man-made constructs in which I believed.
On this journey, the realization is dawning on me, that what I thought my was a strong foundation (doctrine of my denomination and aspects of how my tribe did church) was sand, and what I felt was revelatory (eye opening) within this construct, was not...my eyes were, and in areas are still, blind.
The deconstruction of the the way I did church, the way I viewed life, and the way I viewed God, are painful. There is, however, hope as reconstruction occurs, but the process is not merely a recognition of a new truth, it is a reorientation of life in regard to God... Father, Son, Spirit.
Deconstruction is a part of reconstruction. The journey has been filled with joy as well as grief and pain as well as peace. I've had to come to terms with the fact that in all my Christian values, I truly didn't know how to forgive. And if I couldn't forgive, I sure didn't know how to love. I recently was asked been how this process has been for me, my answer struck me as poignant, "It's been a beautiful misery."
This post, for me, is a part of the beautiful misery. It's painful to realize how easily I can co-mingle the way I choose to express my beliefs with who I think God is.
Thankfully, the journey continues. Thankfully, my eyes are being opened one step at a time. Thankfully, God is outside the constructs of my box, and thankfully, he is lovingly beckoning me to pick up my cross and follow him.
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