Butterflies

""Mama, I'm afraid."

"I know, sweetheart. Sometimes I am, too. But that's just part of life for every single one of us."

"It is?"

"Why, sure it is. We all human, kiddo. We all have to deal with fear, but you know what?"

"No, Mama, what?"

"You more than your fear, sweetheart. If you let fear take over, it's like saying you done with trying new things, but if you say, "Fear, I know you're there, but there's more to me than you." And then, sweetie, you just let that fear be there, and you step right out and try your best at whatever life is offering."

"But, Mama, when I think about trying, my tummy feels funny."

"Well, it should."

"It should? Why's that?"

"Well, you remember when we watched that butterfly come out of that cocoon?"

"Yes, ma'am."

"When your tummy feels that way, fear wants you to think bad things are gonna happen outside that cocoon, but the reality is what's inside you is like a butterfly trying to get on out of you. Cause it wants to stretch its wings and fly. It wants to show the world its beauty. What you feeling is all that goodness that wants to come out. And you know what?"

"What, Mama?"

"It's up to you to make the choice. It's up to you, baby. You either gonna let fear stop you from living or you gonna let that butterfly go free. But remember this, it don't matter if what you trying to do works out good or not. The most important thing is that you tried and you didn't let fear stop you."

"Even if I don't do good?"

"Even if you fall flat on your face. You'll be ok. You just pick yourself up and try again. You know why you'll be ok? Cause you're loved. Cause I love you. And I will always be proud of you, no matter what."

"I love you, Mama."

"I love you, too, baby. Gimme a hug, then you go on outside and play. And then tonight, for you go to bed, you think on what we talked about, alright, child?"

"Yes, ma'am. Thank you, Mama."

"You're welcome, sweetheart."

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That's the last conversation I had with Mama. Not thirty minutes later, she died, sitting right in that rocking chair. I didn't know until I was older that she had the cancer. I'm not sure Mama knew it either. All we knew is she was tired.

I'll never forget my mama. Sometimes I think I try new and scary things so I'll feel butterflies in my stomach, just so I can remember her holding me on her lap in that chair with her arms wrapped around me while she was talking in my ear. I miss my mama. I miss her more than anything."

From my book: My Memories of Mama